One job – we’ve got one job.

ONE – and it’s a big un…

It’s day 7380078374632632753 of this lockdown schiz and the last time the not so smalls were in school dinosaurs roamed the earth.

And now the reports are out.  It’s official; apparently kids are not being schooled as effectively as they would be if they were in school. NO SHIT.

The vast majority of teachers (90%) say their pupils are doing less or much less work than they would normally at this time of the year, a study* finds.

This news comes as a complete shocker to every parent on the planet.

Teachers have a job and parents have another.

Teachers are responsible for the smalls between the hours of 8.30am (ish) and 3.30pm (ish). What they do in school is mainly a mystery to most parents as every child from the age of 3.5 years when asked ‘what they did at school today?’ will answer; ‘dunno.’

My main insight into primary education came through the times I was called into school when either the children had hurt themselves (and needed to go to hospital even though I assured all staff they would be fine and just needed to crack on) or whether they just needed ….‘a quick word’.

Those three words alone are enough to stop every single conversation in playground the world over as every head turns towards you with every single ear on high alert to listen with delicious excitement as to what or who your precious poppet has mutilated. These conversations happened a lot more with the youngest not so small who delighted in many fun exercises in primary school including losing ‘golden time*’ as he jumped on his desk using a ruler as a mic singing…’It’s Friday, it’s Fridaaayyyyy, Fridaaayyyyyy, Oh yeah.” Surely that level of celebration should be applauded? But, no the teacher decided it was a terrible dereliction of respect. I, of course, completely respected this particular teacher meticulous incident reporting of the small’s serious misconduct in the classroom.

In secondary school a parent’s knowledge of the school day reduces again as the children are apparently now responsible for their own diaries and good responsible children** will forge their parent’s signature so that said parents do not have to sign said diary on a weekly basis. Once again, parents find out more about their children’s behaviour when teachers call home for a ‘quick word’ about your son’s escapades.*** Thankfully though, these quick words are generally not undertaken in the playground at pick up as it is a big no no to even consider picking up a not so small from secondary school. It’s especially a big no no to pick up one’s not so small from secondary school waving wildly across the road and shouting his or her name loudly while every other member of the school is waiting to catch various buses. It’s also not recommended to shout ‘Oh how I have missed you my little poppet.’ However I can confirm it is brilliant revenge if your smalls have been complete divets.

The way I see it teachers keep your kids alive during school hours and we keep them alive during the rest of the time. Teachers also do some teaching. And some parents also do some parenting. Amazingly some teachers are also parents and so they also qualify in the parenting (of their own kids).

Some parents might also be teachers but that does not qualify them to teach their own kids as their primary role is to keep them alive and whisper ‘for f*cks sake’ under their breath 6538 billionty times a day like the rest of us parents who aren’t teachers.

Parents have one job – but under that bastard one job is a job description that has the requirements of a skill set never seen before, a commitment to years and years of sacrifice**** and more job requirements than a dictionary has words.

It’s no wonder our little munchkins are doing less; because in between trying to work, cut everyone’s hair in the house, get them off the PS for 20 minutes and cook 70 billion meals, we don’t have the time, energy or inclination to teach – and – oh, we’re not qualified.

So parents everywhere, let’s stop with the home schooling shit – let’s give it up as a bad job, let’s give ourselves a pat on the backs for keeping them alive and let’s celebrate the end of term now. All our inset days have come at once…. Home school is officially over.

This also means there may be a need for COVID Corrections Units in a few years (probably for the parents too) but you know, for now let’s let the teachers teach and us parents….pour a large one. We need it.

Crack on.


*a study…erm there was a need for a study to work this out???

*Golden Time – a stupid amount of time on Friday afternoons where the smalls could do all manner of things that did not involve learning. A reward for a week unless, of course, you decide to sing while standing on your desk.

**just mine then

*** there were many

**** ask me mum

Sarah Knight

Trainer and coach in communications. Plate spinner.

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