Home Schooling Hints and Tips from the Expert*

Day One is GO.

First day of home schooling. Lead by example I say.

Team up at 7. Go Team.

The day beginning with some positive meditation, a little chanting and James has penned some positive lyrics to the song ‘Another Brick in the Wall – Part 2’ because of course we do need education. Our new home schooling song will be played loudly with everyone joining in at 8.45 to mark the start of the new school day.

Everyone showered and dressed.
No point letting yourself go just cos we’re at home. Freddy looking dapper in his school uniform. No standards slipping in this house.

We’ve just done some improper fractions and will be moving onto grammar soon.

I’ve also added a 45 minute class on how to talk proper like and not like a Salford Chav incorporating the importance of the word to; for example; “I’m going to the gym again one day. As opposed to: I’m going gym.”
In 12 weeks I anticipate both children will sound like they’ve been schooled at Eton. We’ve got to have goals people.

This will be followed by PE. A rigorous hit class followed again by some Power Pilates. Who needs Joe Wicks in this house.
Then handing over to James for an hour of French and Music.

I’m also thinking now is a good time for them to learn Mandarin so this is likely to happen on Thursdays. I’ve sourced a Mandarin speaker who is also working from home so she will be dialing in.

In the evening we will be deep-diving into board games and full political discussions on how the parties have managed crisis from the 1800’s onwards.

I’m happy share the full timetable later with colour coded aspects providing options on age, ability and current sets. I’m also sourcing exam papers so we can all do another round of mocks after Easter to check progress and I’ll be remodeling the kitchen so that it looks like a classroom for the actual exams from May onwards.

I’m also planning on allowing admissions to my online home schooling network – there will be a small charge (thinking £3,000 per weekly term) and all admissions will be subject to the selection process which is likely to  includea Tik Tok video and maths exams to allow me to set accordingly.

Standards will not slip in this house. Who needs screens. We can do this.

(*Obviously this is a crock of shit, kids still in bed and I’m wondering what time to open the wine.)

(*Also not an expert but you know if you say you are online…then you obviously are.)

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